Day 4: 207

Yes, a .5 lb gain.. but I'm not surprised. After running yesterday I hopped on hubby's Boflex and did some major upper body weight lifting. I would expect to see a gain... the great news is.. I ran another mile this morning! The time? Well, I'm not sure when the marker went past 1 mile.. but I did 20 minutes and ended at 1.10 miles. I decided to give Couch to 5K a chance.. and so far I am enjoying it. Hopefully it keeps up. My goal is not to beat my time at the 1 mile.. but to actually be able to run more then a minute at a time. My stamina sucks.. so this should help alot.

No weights today... I think I will stick to that on mon/wed/fri. If you've never had a Boflex.. you should try one. They really are great to workout on. The only thing I hate is having to change around all the pullys and weights when you want to change excorsizes.

Ok, so we all know that dieting is a head game, and I am trying to work on the way I percieve food.. and my body. There are a couple of things that scare me. First, I am worried that I will lose 20 lbs and be happy with that and stop. Second, I am scared of self sabotage, something I am very familiar with. (Aren't we all). Third, I am scared to reach my goal. Why? Because I have never weighed 135 lbs. Ok, so maybe I did, when I was 10 .. but it was only for a few seconds. I'm not sure why I'm scared.. maybe because it seems like something that will never happen.. a dream...

I am slowly accepting the fact that this will not be a quick fix. I like to remember the summer before my freshmen year of high school. I graduated the 8th grade weighing 180 lbs... thats alot for a 13 yr old going from a private school to a public school. I think my dad was scared for me.. so he signed me up for a Tae Kwon Do class. I remember being terrified of the instructor (who only spoke korean during class). Mr. Kim always pushed me...I would be purple in the face on all fours, wheezing, and he would tell me to get up and do it again or I would have to do the wall chair. YIKES! Ok..ok..ok. I would drag myself off the floor and do it again, and again and again. After awhile it got easier. I would still sweat like crazy..but I never fell to the floor. I became quite good at forms and sparring. After 3 months of going to class 3-4 nights a week, I started High school at 145 lbs. I was strong, happy and very confident. I ended up winning 1st place in 24 tournaments and even went to Nationals where I placed 2nd in sparring. I could have been amazing if I had not quit. (That is a whole other story). The reason for this story is to remind myself that if I dig deep I can do this. It IS possible to lose weight, I am NOT stuck being that timid fat girl. I have to get off the floor and do it again, and again, and again.

My goal is to see the bold 'DAY 90' on the top of my blog...because by then, I will know that Tigerlilly is back.