Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Day 130:195.5

While doing my 40 min Wogg this morning I was thinking about my 'skinny' jeans and wandering if I have gotten any closer to getting them zipped up. Then I thought 'If I could just get those on, I would be happy with my size'... in other words I was thinking once I got those jeans on I could quit doing all this working out and eating healthy crap. HA! First of all, I don't want to stop at my 'skinny jeans' size. I want to get down to 145 lbs where I should be. Second, what makes me think that when I get to a size I am happy with that I can just stop. Then I remembered Laura's blog yesterday:

I wrote the other day about there not being many books available for weight loss maintainers. Maybe that's because maintenance is a bitch. A bitch that isn't easily tamed and apparently is as ugly and frightening as the one Sigourney Weaver battles in Alien.

Only this one doesn't have a big Hollywood ending. This is going to be an endless battle. There is no finish line. There is never going to be a day when I can say "Okay, that's it, I'm all done and I don't have to do this anymore" (well, okay, the day I die I can say that, but you know, that's a long way off, God willing).

This idea of "it's never going to end" isn't new news, I realize that. It's just a small little epiphany in a likely endless road of epiphanies that will add up to be my life.

And The New Me says, "Most of all I want to be a weight loss success, for now and for good."

That epiphany hit me right in the face this morning... and in order to keep myself from falling over in shear panic was this: How terrible is my life right now? I feel strong... I look strong. I enjoy my time on the treadmill, and I LOVE the feeling I get when I finish the goal I had set that day. Everyday I notice something great about my body.. whether I can run with my girls and not get winded, or that shirt in the back of my closet now fits perfectly. As for food, well, I no longer get that nauseated feeling when I eat too much crap. My bowls are working as they should... my grocery bill has gone down considerably since I am no longer loading the basket with tons of cookies, cakes, doughnuts and ice cream. My girls are eating healthier which means that hopefully they will never have to battle this disease.

So... why am I in such a rush to stop living like this? Because there is a lady inside my head that wants to lay in bed all day eating ice cream and watching TV. Because I am still fighting my body everyday to get up out of bed and put my running shoes on. Because I still crave a doughnut in the morning and cake at night.

So... How do I keep from becoming that lady again?? I get up, I run, I buy healthy food at the store and I look at myself in the mirror and say 'its worth it!'...


Cara said...

I think mrs. furious put it best in one of her video blogs, that the reward to doing all of this is not a piece of cake without guilt, but being thin. Thin in itself is reward enough.

Although I do think that one piece of cake won't kill you every once in awhile. Just not everyday. And when we say piece we have to mean piece not section. hahaha. I know how that one goes. That is why brownies are not allowed in my house. haha.

Laura N said...

Hey girl, you can quote me anytime. =) Glad to be there for ya!

That fat girl *thinking* is going to be the toughest part of weight loss/maintenance. I can totally identify with your wanting to lay in bed all day eating ice cream and watching TV. It's a struggle. I guess it always will be, because you are right in calling it a disease--that's what it is, and people with other diseases usu. don't wake up one day cured. That's us--we'll be fighting the disease the rest of our lives.

Nice job on the loss this week.

ClaireBoe said...

Very motivating! I need to hear these things. I FINALLY got rolling on my weight loss again (after maintaining for months), and I'm feeling good. I love reading your positive outlook.

Caroline said...

I HATE that lady that just wants to lay around. She can take over so easily, and then it is SO hard to get her to go away again!

PearShapedGirl said...

Wow! Well put, TL. I had a similar moment the other day when part of me was thinking that once I get to point where I'm comfortable with my weight (but not happy with it), then it won't be so hard because there won't be so much pressure. But that's when it gets harder! But, you're right, we're worth it and the whole process is worth it. You're doing amazing, and I'm sure that "cake lady" won't be reappearing any time soon...

Take care,

MilitaryMom said...

Very well said! I know its a long hard process with no finish line in sight, but I am trying to stay in the race. I'm happy for you, you are doing so well! Keep it up. I know with the bellydancing and the karate, you'll be a force to be reckoned with!

P.O.M. said...

Yeah! I Love this post. Being thin and healthy is so mental -and you ARE THERE! I'm so excited for you. I think I see Tigerlilly.

Anonymous said...

Dad is your angel encouraging you all the way. He is your #1 fan!
Your are looking so healthy and beautiful and your two wonderful daughters will want to be just like you when they grow up.
It's not easy but it is worth it!
I love you and am very proud of you!

ladyshanny said...

I've been struggling with the same thing over the past week. What IS it about this week that's making people think like this?

Anyway, my phrase that I use over and over again is "The REASON that I am happy(er) with how I look and how I feel is BECAUSE I work at it every day!

robyn479 said...

Wow. You are so right about this. I am having to deal with the thought that I will have to find a new favorite activity, or a new hobby. For years, my favorite thing to do was bake. I baked cakes, brownies, cookies, pies, muffins, bread, and everything in between. I had gotten to be an EXPERT at making all kinds of candy - my favorites being caramel popcorn and divinity. I baked something sweet every other night, at least. And now that I've been doing this for almost a month, I realize that I may not get to bake anymore. It saddens me, because I really enjoy it. But, I know that staying on track and eating right every day will make me more happy than a pan of fresh baked chocolate chip cookies with a side of cookie dough can make me. I want to be proud of myself. I will just have to find a new hobby.